In My Not So Humble Opinion

The people in the entertainment industry want Congress to pass a bill to censor the internet.  It’s called “Protect IP” and the “Internet Blacklist” and it will kill all social sharing sites, just for starters. Yes, here in the land of the free, where freedom of speech is our first Amendment, people with way too much money want to make sure no one gets in the way of them making even more that they can waste on frivolous stuff while pretending to care about the rest of us.

Contact your Congressional Representative now, and tell them to vote against this special interest bill, or you could become a felon, just for recording yourself singing along to the radio, or doing any of the other silly things we do online that entertain us for free on a daily basis.

Don’t let Hollywood and Congress kill the internet!

I post comments to other blogs all the time. Since I write mostly for me, and totally crack myself up, here’s a few of my favorites, totally out of context, whether they need it or not:

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Wikipedia once sent me a message that said, essentially “stop vandalizing our website or we will BLOCK YOU.” Not nearly as awesome as the time a whole bunch of us got Banned For Life from a local bar because they had male strippers who were just awful, so we were throwing pennies at them and shouting for them to put their clothes back on. The bouncer said we were hurting their feelings and had to cut it out, or they would “remove us from the premises” which we took as a personal challenge. By the time they escorted us out, we’d run out of change, anyway, so it was totally the best part of the evening.

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Men obviously think we grow boobs on purpose.
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Damn. First the tequila gun, and now a five foot chicken. If they have any left, I’m driving to Texas right now. It will make up for the lack of baby pygmy goats in my yard. After you shared the video, and I watched it 5000 times, I decided to get some because they’d keep the lawn clipped, and look absolutely adorable doing it, but no, husband said we couldn’t get them because of “ordinances” or “covenants” or something, so at the very least I should be able to get a five foot chicken. I deserve it.
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Charlie Sheen almost out-crazies Tom Cruise. Almost. But I’m sure Tom is happy the finger pointing and laughing is aimed at Charlie for now. It won’t last, because no one can totally out-crazy Tom for too long before their brain explodes or they turn into Gary Busey. Who can be that totally nuts all the time and still be walking around like a free man? Oh, yeah. Celebrities.
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Lab grown meat just 6 months away. Zombie Apocalypse in 7.

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Got something better? Make me laugh in the comments.

Husband sent me a link this morning to a story on Mother Jones, titled: Are Cats Bad for the Environment? I’m really sick (and tired) of all the people who tell me I need to protect the environment, stop doing things I love to “save the planet,” and other stupidity. We can’t hurt the planet. It’s been around billions of years, and will be here long after we’re gone. She can pretty much take care of herself.

Here’s the chart that has me all riled up:

“Domestic cats, officially considered an invasive species, kill at least a hundred million birds in the US every year—dwarfing the number killed by wind turbines.” Since there are way fewer wind turbines than cats, this comparison is ridiculous. There are probably more cats than buildings, so in birds per cat, or birds per building, buildings are more efficient than cats at killing birds.

Oh, and I’m just getting started. Cats are the only organic thing on the list, and aren’t we supposed to be Pro-Organic? If you add up everything else on the list, which are all man made, man kills way more birds than cats do. The eventual solution? Get rid of everything man-made, and we’ll have plenty of birds to go around.

Don’t you dare blame my cat for any of this. The only time she caught anything living (a mouse), she put it on my bed so she could play with it. And not “play” in the “torture it for my amusement” normal cat way, but in the “oh, watch, it’s running all over the place, isn’t that interesting” sort of thing. If she needed to kill in order to eat, she’d starve. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why you always see cats hanging out in ruins. If they don’t have people to feed them, they let the building do the killing for them.

Because I love bullet points:

1. Cats are wild animals, who allow us to be their slaves. When left to their own devices, they show their true selves. Feral cats are just that: wild animals. And, organic. We already covered this.
2. Birds are pretty cool, but are they really that much more important than cats? Petting a cat is good for your blood pressure. Assuming, of course, the cat wants to be petted. There’s no corresponding research with birds, so my natural conclusion is that birds are not good for your blood pressure. High blood pressure kills, therefore, birds are evil.
3. After getting rid of cats, buildings will be next. Once the #1 killer is dead, bird lovers will work their way down the list until we’re all eating grubs and berries, and living in caves. No way am I giving up indoor plumbing for our feathered friends.
4. If we remove all threats to birds, will all birds be protected? Because, last time I checked, chickens and turkeys were birds, too. Just saying.

The only way to preserve life as we know it is to first save all the cats. Every last feral kitty out there. Protect the cats, or prepare to lose everything last shred of civilization you hold dear. It’s only a matter of time.

My friend Christopher (aka @jackassletters) is owner and chief writer of the funniest letters to dignitaries and corporate figureheads you’ll ever read. Visit his site for the hilarity, and then come back to read my letter, below.

Disclaimer: I wrote the letter in an attempt to write a guest post for Jackass Letters. I do not smoke pot, and I really didn’t expect them to send me any samples. It’s no surprise, however, they didn’t respond. Since they didn’t, the letter won’t end up on Christopher’s website. I’m posting it here, because I can’t throw anything away, and it’s too good to waste.
 

This post has nothing to do with Charlie Sheen.

I love winning. Winning is awesome. Especially in a “I fought the law and I won” kind of way.

We (by which I mean “husband”) got a speeding ticket January 26 in the “speed traps are an excellent revenue stream” town of Sheridan. Read my initial rant.

Not one to sit back and take the abuse, husband did some research. He’s awesome at research. Turns out, state regulations require all speed limit signs to be posted a minimum of 7 feet from the ground to the bottom of the sign. So, the sign, which didn’t meet regulations, could not be enforced. Win.

Furthermore, since cars were parked all along that side of the street, the “School Zone” sign wasn’t visible, and could not be enforced. Win.

Since there was no other speed limit sign on the street, the 30 mph speed limit for residential areas was the only one they could enforce. We were traveling at 31 mph, which could be explained away by possible deviations in equipment calibration. Win.

We took photos and video to prove our case, and gave them to our fabulous attorney, Geoffrey Pearson. He spoke to the DA, who refused to dismiss the case, and gave us a plea bargain of a one-point violation of a defective headlamp. Thinking that was probably our best bet, we accepted and went into court.

The traffic court judge took the plea, and ordered husband to pay $200 in fines, plus $50 in court costs. And then, totally unexpected, he said there was still an issue of a defective sign, and said if we provided proof within 120 days, he’d drop the points. When good old Geoffrey showed him the evidence husband had gathered, the judge reduced the points to ZERO. Big win.

Geoffrey said this never happens. The judge never overrules a plea bargain. After our case was over, the judge took husband’s evidence, called the bailiff (a cop) up to the bench to talk to him about the sign. I hope this means the sign gets raised, and other law-abiding people aren’t victimized by this speed trap.

The moral of the story: A little bit of research can save you a few bucks. Better in your pocket than the court’s.

When we went out to run errands on Sunday, the City of Sheridan tried (unsuccessfully) to get into our pockets one more time. They had their photo-radar van parked on a street with road construction (and no workers, because it was SUNDAY). Because they’re all about public safety. And because road construction areas are double the fine of any other street.

We’re wise to your games, Sheridan. We got you this time. You won’t get us again. Because we play to win.