The Cat Letters

My good friend Christopher is one of the funniest people I know. We’ve never met face-to-face, and never talked on the phone, but we met on Twitter, and clicked. One of the many reasons I love twitter: I’ve met some totally awesome people who I consider friends, who live in parts of the world I have no plans to visit. Don’t judge me. I can make friends IRL, too. Twitter just cuts through the crap, and doesn’t require me to clean my house on a regular basis on the outside chance someone might stop by for tea and cookies.

Mmmm… tea and cookies. BRB.

Christopher’s website JackassLetters.com is a total hoot. He composes strange, silly, and unexpected letters to famous people and businesses, and then posts their responses. Don’t click the link until you’ve read the letters below to get a hint of what you’re in for.

Letter to SmartyKat:

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393

December 7, 2009

SmartyKat Catnip
PO Box 3360
San Rafael, CA 94912-3360

Dear SmartyKat,

First off, I couldn’t give two tosses about SmartyKat Certified Organic Catnip, but my cat does, and insists I write this letter. Unfortunately, she can’t do so on her own (the lack of opposable thumbs and the whole brain the size of a walnut thing coming into play), but I have promised I will try to transcribe her thoughts as well as I am able.

I don’t want to speak out of turn, but after a long night with your nip, my cat seems to get the munchies something fierce. She has all of Iowa fresh grown catnip at her disposal, but insists on your product. I am guessing she considers the fresh stuff to be “ditch weed,” or “Iowajuananip.”

Anyway, after a session of SmartyKat Certified Organic Catnip, my cat INSISTS on Purina Cat Whisker Lickin’s Tartar Control Crunch Lovers – Crab, but the problem here is this doesn’t seem to be available anymore. So I am left with few options:

1. Do you have an underground source for crab flavored cat treats?
2. Could you let my cat know supply lines are beyond my control?
3. Do you make anything for people?
4. Is there a catnip treatment program I am unaware of?

Something has to give, and I am hoping it’s not me! The way things stand now I fear my cat will kill me in my sleep. I can only sleep with one eye open for so long. Please help!

Sincerely,
Christopher L. Jorgensen

I can’t believe they didn’t write back. Since my cat loves SmartyKat and Whisker Lickin’s, I was really hoping for some answers.

To show you what a cat lover he is, he said I could share Letter #2, to Scoop Away, another product we use in our house. And, as a mom, I think his idea is bordering on brilliant. Or insanity.

Either way, enjoy:

Christopher L. Jorgensen
P.O. Box 93042
Des Moines, IA 50393  

May 12, 2008

Scoop Away
c/o Clorox Pet Products Co.
1221 Broad Way
Oakland, CA 94612

Dear Scoop Away,

I love your Multiple Cat Formula Scoop Away Super Clump cat litter. I only have one cat, but I am not always diligent about changing her litter. I figure one cat with litter changed less often is like having a lot of cats and changing it a lot.

Though there is perhaps an overlooked way you could increase marketing share. I’ve read your legal disclaimer, so know I can expect nothing if you do decide to use my idea. It would still be super cool of you guys if you sent me a token of appreciation when you do produce this product: “Kiddy Litter!”

Think about it, parents have to wait until a child can walk and take interest in the toilet before potty training can occur. This could be solved by a box of “tightly clumping” “Kiddy Litter!” and a tyke sized ramp. Babies and infants crawl from a very early age. It would be much easier to teach a kid how to “bury it” than to constantly change diapers. This would also have a positive impact on the environment.

Instead of a landfill filled with discarded diapers a parent could purchase a bag of Multiple Baby Formula Scoop Away Super Clump “Kiddy Litter!” Even if they have only one baby, they could do like I do with my cat. Just change the litter less often.

The only downside I see is keeping the cats out of the kids’ box, but maybe you could come up with a dual use formula and they could share. Let me know what you think!

Thanks,
Christopher L. Jorgensen

Okay, now go to His Website. If you don’t laugh your ass off, I don’t know you at all.

Then, do this for me, and everyone who cherishes the written word: If you have 5 bucks (or more) laying around, buy yourself some good karma and send it to Christopher so he can keep me, and all his fans, in stitches.

One person said something awesome to “The Cat Letters”

  • nicole:

    i totally love Cristopher..and i was told im a weird woman for liking his letters..sooo glad im not the only weird :) (and im not even american ) :)

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