I only need one!

I get crappy pitches from companies that want to pay me a few bucks to put crappy ads on my blog for their crappy clients. I never accept any of them because, well, they’re all crap, and could get my blog blacklisted. I’m on enough lists already, and having been 86′d from at least one bar in my lifetime, I like to be careful who I (on or off my blog) associate with.

Since they won’t leave me alone, and since sending them a photo of Wil Wheaton collating wasn’t exactly the correct response (since they actually claim they’ll pay me something), I decided a special email was just the ticket.

Hi Georgina,

I would love to reserve some space for your advertiser.

Since the site you requested is highly visible and valuable, and we’re very picky about who we let advertise with us, I’m willing to sell you space at a dollar per pixel (or character) per day, and set that up on an annual contract for you.

For example, a banner ad that is 125×125 pixels (our most popular size!) is just $15,625 per day, with one hyperlink included, absolutely free of charge.

Text ads are a real steal. For example, the average 255 word ad, at an average of 7 characters per word, run $1785 per day. Quite a savings over the image ad! Popular add-ons are larger fonts (an additional $250.00 set-up fee, and only $1 additional per pixel per character per day (PPPCPD), over the standard 10 pixel screen size) and bold (a great deal, at just $100 more per ad per day (PAPD), plus $1 per character per day (PCPD).)  Want to direct the site visitors to your
website quickly and easily? Add hyperlinks to your ad for just $150 per link per day (PLPD). Wire transfer discount applies on text ads, too!

All ads are subject to approval. The rate for review is calculated at 50% of the setup fee.

The standard setup fee for either a text or banner ad is equal to one day’s listing fee, paid in advance, with the remainder of the full contract due the day the ad goes live. If you use Wire Transfer (our preferred payment method), you’ll get a .5% discount!

We have other advertising options available. Let me know if you’d like the rates on ordering the full rate card. It comes in full-color PDF, and we offer a  .25% discount for multiple orders.

As you can see, we’re anxious to partner with you, and at these rates, you can’t lose!

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I was really hoping Georgina would take me up on my offer, because I would be SET FOR LIFE, but unfortunately, she wrote back:

Thank you for your email. I regret to inform you though that the client we had approved for your site has now fulfilled their targets. I’m sorry we can no longer go ahead with our proposal.

However, we’re close to netting a few more clients. In line with this I’ve kept your site in my own database and should there be a new client that suits your website, I’ll immediately contact you.

Also, if you or anyone you know has any other sites registered that you would like us to consider for advertisement, then please don’t hesitate to recommend them to us. I would be keen to see if they would suit one of our clients.

Thanks again for taking the time to work with us. I appreciate your efforts. Here’s hoping we could do successful business soon.

Regards,
Georgina

I could write back and define “sarcasm” for Georgina, but I think there’s still a chance one of the new clients she “nets” could be my retirement plan, so I’ll let this roll.

HOWEVER, if you know any other sites that would like to advertise here, I’ll make them the same offer. And pay you a .05% finders fee for your trouble.

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