As a long time Bowie fan, I was surprised to hear that he has a new video out that I knew nothing about. Take away my Bowie card now, because, first, I didn’t know about it, and second, I do now, and What. The. Fuck. did I see? “Where Are We Now” is too weird, even for Bowie. Weird is, in fact, too mild a word for the creepy bizarreness of this production.
This video raises nothing but questions. Lots of them.
Who is the chick?
Why isn’t she doing anything?
Is she dead?
Is she the dead person he’s walking?
Is that even legal?
Why are they both ventriloquist dummies?
Why is his house such a mess?
Can’t he afford a housekeeper?
What’s in the big shopping bag?
What the heck is a dschungel? (Never mind. Looked that one up.)
Norway has a song?
I need answers, people. Anyone?
A friend sent me this picture today with this note: I’m having a hard time believing it’s for real. If it is, I’m wondering how much sedation they had to use on the model and imagining masked cats frantically reversing like insane bumper cars.
For some reason, I just can’t stop laughing, and on the list of all the things cats don’t like, laughing at them is pretty close to the top. There’s no way my cat would let me put this on her. “The instructions say: Working from behind animals head, hold side tabs and slip muzzle over face and eyes.” I think they’re missing some steps.
Look closely at the photo, which is not retouched. The handler has some obvious war wounds.
In my house, it would work like this:
Step 1: Catch and sedate cat
Step 2: Attempt to put muzzle on cat
Step 3: Release angry cat, apply Mercurochrome to bite wounds on hands
Step 4: Locate cat behind sofa, lure out with treats
Step 5: Sedate cat some more
Step 6: Attempt to put muzzle on cat again
Step 7: Release yowling cat, bandage lacerations on hands and arms
Step 8: Locate cat under bed, attempt to lure out with more treats
Step 9: Wait for cat to take the bait
Step 10: Give up on cat muzzle, and sedate self.
This may reduce cat bites, if, and when, you actually get it on the kitty, but she is certainly going to make you pay for trying.
You know life is too serious when you can’t trust a stuffed pony anymore.
When I was little, I had a stick pony. I loved that pony. He was my best friend when there was no one else around to play with. We had the greatest adventures as my imagination transformed the back yard into the Wild West, quiet forests, and great expanse of wilderness that each outing required.
Unfortunately, kids today are not so lucky. Thanks to the Red Alert Level mentality of alarmists who see conspiracy and threats around every corner, stuffed ponies are now on the Watch List for dangerous activity.
A quote from the news:
Members of the Orange County Sheriff’s Office Bomb Squad blew up a 2-foot-high stuffed pony on Tuesday. Neighbors said the placement of the stuffed toy made it appear suspicious to them. The toy was found in a cul-de-sac next to a park near Waterbridge Elementary. “It just looked like it was placed in a really suspicious place,” resident Scott Kilwein said. After it was deemed suspicious, the police put the school on lock down, sent a robot to inspect the toy and then blew it up.
Thank whatever diety is handy they weren’t taking any chances. Dealing with stuffed animals is not child’s-play.
Let’s recap, shall we?
Police, in full hazmat suits, blew up a stuffed pony left near park, next to an elementary school. As it turns out, on Whisper Glen Court. How many more ominous clues do you need? There can’t possibly be any real, ordinary reason that a toy pony could be found in a place where children would frequent. The pony was obviously up to no good. According to one report, something strange was hanging from its neck. I reviewed the video several times, so I can accurately describe it: It’s called “mane.” All horses have it. Never realized before today how frightening that must be.
Somewhere in Orlando, little Suzy just got a hard lesson in taking care of her toys. Parenting tip for all: Show your kids the video, and tell them if they don’t put their stuff away, the bomb squad will do it for them. Ought to work way better than the “clean your plate because there are starving kids in (fill in third-world country)” line we used to get.
Authorities said the toy is called a FurReal Pony and requires batteries and wiring to give it lifelike sounds and movement. They’re probably pulling them off the shelves as we speak. Can’t have such a dangerous instrument in the hands of ordinary consumers. Who knows what they might do? Give them to children, who would play with them, unaware of the danger? Put in batteries and scare the cat? Wait… that’s a good idea. Gotta run to Walmart. BRB.
I’d hate to demean a lobster. I’ll just go beat up on some broccoli while I play with my bonzai kitty.