Category Archives: Totally random

Eating food is bad for you

AOL published this scary post to their Lifestyle section last month: 

Oh My God. Yet another food that is going to kill us. Because we’ve been doing it all wrong!

Instead of merely cooking rice, they propose we go through a multi-step process to wash away all the deadly arsenic that shows up naturally in the rice. Once the final rinse is done, a product that is pretty flavorless in the first place is guaranteed to be something no one would enjoy eating.  And what about all those vitamins the rice is fortified with? They’re washed away, too, so you’re left with tiny bits of nothing that have no nutritional value. Tasty.

Practically everything a human can consume has been touted as dangerous. In fact, the perfectly lovely chocolate, which never harmed me a day in my life, is not only dangerous, but according to Stephanie Relfe B.Sc. (Sydney), in her post, The Great Dangers of Chocolate,  it could keep me from ever having a loving relationship. In other words, stop eating chocolate right now, or you will die alone.

  • Foods I consume that have been labeled as dangerous or deadly include:
    Rice. Not so good on its own, but a great vehicle for other lovely and delicious things, like Kung Pao.
  • Butter. Butter on toast, on baked potatoes, on other things that are just darned better with butter, like eggs, which could also kill me.
  • Cake. Especially chocolate cake. Yummmmmmmmmmmm Chocolate.
  • Pasta. Spaghetti, macaroni and cheese. With parmesan cheese on top.
  • Cheese. Havarti, cheddar, mozzarella, mascarpone, brie, sliced, shredded, big hunks and perfectly square cubes.
  • Pizza. Artisan pizza with lots of cheese, Red Baron, home made, stuff from the guy around the corner. Pizza is life.
  • Cookies. Chewy circles and squares of goodness with chocolate chips, soft puffy clouds of vanilla, lemon bars that make my mouth water. The world would be a sad place if cookies didn’t exist.
  • Potatoes. Baked and served with butter and sour cream, French fried, waffle cut, tater tots. Tots! So crispy and warm, dipped in ranch dressing or catsup.
  • Chips. Have you tried Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream chips? You haven’t lived until you try them. And BBQ chips. For two years, I had BBQ chips and Diet Coke for breakfast, and I’m still alive.
  • Ice cream. The food of the gods. Especially chocolate fudge with brownie bits and hot fudge sauce. With an artificially colored and enhanced cherry on top.
  • Whipped cream out of a can. On the previously mentioned chocolaty goodness, and of course, straight from the nozzle into my gaping maw.
  • And so much more. BRB. There’s a cookie with my name on it.

I could listen to all the people telling me how bad everything is, and die from the stress of worrying about each bite I take, or just enjoy life for the fleeting moments I get to live this time around.

We’re all going to die. It’s not as important how you die, as how you live. I choose to live a vibrant, lively, dangerous life full of bad decisions and questionable choices. That way, when I reach my final hours, I won’t lament about giving up so much in order to prolong my life, that I never lived at all.

This is a damned good cookie.

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Spicoli would be so disappointed

Since medical marijuana has been legal in Colorado for about three years, and recreational marijuana is now (provisionally) legal here, you’d expect we’d have an establishment like this somewhere in the state. But, nope, it’s in Hamburg, Iowa. Stoner Drug

I wonder how many times a stoner has wandered in, thinking he’s hit the mother lode, just to leave empty-handed and bewildered.

I pee, therefore, I am

My friend, Susan, has an old, senile, incontinent Siamese cat who pees on everything in her home. Especially on soft furniture that’s difficult to clean. That’s why this book of cat poetry would be the perfect gift.

cat pee

 

Her cat, Angel, didn’t get a chance to write a poem for this book, so he wrote one for the inscription:

angel the siamese cat

The Author

Poem by Angel the cat:

I pee, therefore, I am
I am, therefore, I pee
Peeing proves that I am
Master of this comforter and sham

I am, therefore, I pee
I pee, therefore, I am
I pee on everything I see
Try as you will, you can’t stop me

Peeing is freeing
I am free to go peeing
When I am gone you will certainly miss
All the things on which I piss

My pee is pungent and full of musk
An ocean of smells so strong you can see
When you find my puddles and are so brusque
You forget they are love-piddles to remind you of me.

I am Angel, therefore, I pee
I pee on everything I see
I pee, therefore, I am
I am, therefore, I pee

angel the peeing cat

Angel, in repose

Out of context

I post comments to other blogs all the time. Since I write mostly for me, and totally crack myself up, here’s a few of my favorites, totally out of context, whether they need it or not:


Wikipedia once sent me a message that said, essentially “stop vandalizing our website or we will BLOCK YOU.” Not nearly as awesome as the time a whole bunch of us got Banned For Life from a local bar because they had male strippers who were just awful, so we were throwing pennies at them and shouting for them to put their clothes back on. The bouncer said we were hurting their feelings and had to cut it out, or they would “remove us from the premises” which we took as a personal challenge. By the time they escorted us out, we’d run out of change, anyway, so it was totally the best part of the evening.


Men obviously think we grow boobs on purpose.

Damn. First the tequila gun, and now a five foot chicken. If they have any left, I’m driving to Texas right now. It will make up for the lack of baby pygmy goats in my yard. After you shared the video, and I watched it 5000 times, I decided to get some because they’d keep the lawn clipped, and look absolutely adorable doing it, but no, husband said we couldn’t get them because of “ordinances” or “covenants” or something, so at the very least I should be able to get a five foot chicken. I deserve it.

Charlie Sheen almost out-crazies Tom Cruise. Almost. But I’m sure Tom is happy the finger pointing and laughing is aimed at Charlie for now. It won’t last, because no one can totally out-crazy Tom for too long before their brain explodes or they turn into Gary Busey. Who can be that totally nuts all the time and still be walking around like a free man? Oh, yeah. Celebrities.

Lab grown meat just 6 months away. Zombie Apocalypse in 7.

Got something better? Make me laugh in the comments.