Category Archives: Totally random

Spicoli would be so disappointed

Since medical marijuana has been legal in Colorado for about three years, and recreational marijuana is now (provisionally) legal here, you’d expect we’d have an establishment like this somewhere in the state. But, nope, it’s in Hamburg, Iowa. Stoner Drug

I wonder how many times a stoner has wandered in, thinking he’s hit the mother lode, just to leave empty-handed and bewildered.

I pee, therefore, I am

My friend, Susan, has an old, senile, incontinent Siamese cat who pees on everything in her home. Especially on soft furniture that’s difficult to clean. That’s why this book of cat poetry would be the perfect gift.

cat pee


Her cat, Angel, didn’t get a chance to write a poem for this book, so he wrote one for the inscription:

angel the siamese cat

The Author

Poem by Angel the cat:

I pee, therefore, I am
I am, therefore, I pee
Peeing proves that I am
Master of this comforter and sham

I am, therefore, I pee
I pee, therefore, I am
I pee on everything I see
Try as you will, you can’t stop me

Peeing is freeing
I am free to go peeing
When I am gone you will certainly miss
All the things on which I piss

My pee is pungent and full of musk
An ocean of smells so strong you can see
When you find my puddles and are so brusque
You forget they are love-piddles to remind you of me.

I am Angel, therefore, I pee
I pee on everything I see
I pee, therefore, I am
I am, therefore, I pee

angel the peeing cat

Angel, in repose

Out of context

I post comments to other blogs all the time. Since I write mostly for me, and totally crack myself up, here’s a few of my favorites, totally out of context, whether they need it or not:

Wikipedia once sent me a message that said, essentially “stop vandalizing our website or we will BLOCK YOU.” Not nearly as awesome as the time a whole bunch of us got Banned For Life from a local bar because they had male strippers who were just awful, so we were throwing pennies at them and shouting for them to put their clothes back on. The bouncer said we were hurting their feelings and had to cut it out, or they would “remove us from the premises” which we took as a personal challenge. By the time they escorted us out, we’d run out of change, anyway, so it was totally the best part of the evening.

Men obviously think we grow boobs on purpose.

Damn. First the tequila gun, and now a five foot chicken. If they have any left, I’m driving to Texas right now. It will make up for the lack of baby pygmy goats in my yard. After you shared the video, and I watched it 5000 times, I decided to get some because they’d keep the lawn clipped, and look absolutely adorable doing it, but no, husband said we couldn’t get them because of “ordinances” or “covenants” or something, so at the very least I should be able to get a five foot chicken. I deserve it.

Charlie Sheen almost out-crazies Tom Cruise. Almost. But I’m sure Tom is happy the finger pointing and laughing is aimed at Charlie for now. It won’t last, because no one can totally out-crazy Tom for too long before their brain explodes or they turn into Gary Busey. Who can be that totally nuts all the time and still be walking around like a free man? Oh, yeah. Celebrities.

Lab grown meat just 6 months away. Zombie Apocalypse in 7.

Got something better? Make me laugh in the comments.

Generic Pot?

My friend Christopher (aka @jackassletters) is owner and chief writer of the funniest letters to dignitaries and corporate figureheads you’ll ever read. Visit his site for the hilarity, and then come back to read my letter, below.

Disclaimer: I wrote the letter in an attempt to write a guest post for Jackass Letters. I do not smoke pot, and I really didn’t expect them to send me any samples. It’s no surprise, however, they didn’t respond. Since they didn’t, the letter won’t end up on Christopher’s website. I’m posting it here, because I can’t throw anything away, and it’s too good to waste.

Paula Gurz, Branch Manager
Geneva Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
2655 West Midway Boulevard
Broomfield, CO 80020-7186

RE: New Product Development

Dear Ms. Gurz,

I’m curious how the new Medical Marijuana legislation in Colorado, and many parts of the U.S., will impact your business, and the Colorado economy.

There are a lot of marijuana dispensaries in Colorado, especially in the Denver area, and from what I can tell, everyone is selling Brand Name marijuana, like White Rhino, White Widow, Blackberry Kush, and a bunch of others. Since the FDA gives Brand Names a chance to get their money first before a drug can go generic, I’m wondering how long it will be before you will be able to produce Generic Medical Marijuana.

I don’t know if you’ve checked into this yet, but most of the dispensaries are charging more than $400 per ounce! With the hundreds of thousands of people carrying Red Cards across the US, this is big money. The public could really use the affordability of Generics. This would be an awesome opportunity for the first pharmaceutical company to jump on board. I’m hoping that company will be you. The production could create new jobs in our state, and the boost in revenues would be great for the economy.

Not only that, but since you already ship to pharmacies, the ability to pick up medical marijuana at my local Walgreens, and paying just the insurance copay would be both a time and money saver.

Is Generic Pot on the horizon for Geneva Pharmaceuticals? If so, when will it be available? I heard you do a lot of clinical trials for your new drugs. Can I get some samples?

I’d like to try pot to see if it makes me feel better, but I don’t know where to get the good stuff, and I don’t think it’s safe to buy it on Colfax. I know if I got some from you, it would be primo. If I can’t get samples from you, do you know who I can trust? Maybe you could ask around. I’ll bet someone in Marketing would know.

Also, do you know why they’re called “Red cards?” It seems like it would make more sense to call them “Green Cards,” but that’s already taken. Maybe they should change the name of the green cards so everything makes more sense. That’s more of an observation than a question, really. But if you have any answers, that would be great.

Peace out,
Barbara Bailey