Contact your Congressional Representative now, and tell them to vote against this special interest bill, or you could become a felon, just for recording yourself singing along to the radio, or doing any of the other silly things we do online that entertain us for free on a daily basis.

Don’t let Hollywood and Congress kill the internet!

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Wikipedia once sent me a message that said, essentially “stop vandalizing our website or we will BLOCK YOU.” Not nearly as awesome as the time a whole bunch of us got Banned For Life from a local bar because they had male strippers who were just awful, so we were throwing pennies at them and shouting for them to put their clothes back on. The bouncer said we were hurting their feelings and had to cut it out, or they would “remove us from the premises” which we took as a personal challenge. By the time they escorted us out, we’d run out of change, anyway, so it was totally the best part of the evening.

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Men obviously think we grow boobs on purpose.
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Damn. First the tequila gun, and now a five foot chicken. If they have any left, I’m driving to Texas right now. It will make up for the lack of baby pygmy goats in my yard. After you shared the video, and I watched it 5000 times, I decided to get some because they’d keep the lawn clipped, and look absolutely adorable doing it, but no, husband said we couldn’t get them because of “ordinances” or “covenants” or something, so at the very least I should be able to get a five foot chicken. I deserve it.
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Charlie Sheen almost out-crazies Tom Cruise. Almost. But I’m sure Tom is happy the finger pointing and laughing is aimed at Charlie for now. It won’t last, because no one can totally out-crazy Tom for too long before their brain explodes or they turn into Gary Busey. Who can be that totally nuts all the time and still be walking around like a free man? Oh, yeah. Celebrities.
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Lab grown meat just 6 months away. Zombie Apocalypse in 7.

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Got something better? Make me laugh in the comments.

Here’s the chart that has me all riled up:

“Domestic cats, officially considered an invasive species, kill at least a hundred million birds in the US every year—dwarfing the number killed by wind turbines.” Since there are way fewer wind turbines than cats, this comparison is ridiculous. There are probably more cats than buildings, so in birds per cat, or birds per building, buildings are more efficient than cats at killing birds.

Oh, and I’m just getting started. Cats are the only organic thing on the list, and aren’t we supposed to be Pro-Organic? If you add up everything else on the list, which are all man made, man kills way more birds than cats do. The eventual solution? Get rid of everything man-made, and we’ll have plenty of birds to go around.

Don’t you dare blame my cat for any of this. The only time she caught anything living (a mouse), she put it on my bed so she could play with it. And not “play” in the “torture it for my amusement” normal cat way, but in the “oh, watch, it’s running all over the place, isn’t that interesting” sort of thing. If she needed to kill in order to eat, she’d starve. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why you always see cats hanging out in ruins. If they don’t have people to feed them, they let the building do the killing for them.

Because I love bullet points:

1. Cats are wild animals, who allow us to be their slaves. When left to their own devices, they show their true selves. Feral cats are just that: wild animals. And, organic. We already covered this.
2. Birds are pretty cool, but are they really that much more important than cats? Petting a cat is good for your blood pressure. Assuming, of course, the cat wants to be petted. There’s no corresponding research with birds, so my natural conclusion is that birds are not good for your blood pressure. High blood pressure kills, therefore, birds are evil.
3. After getting rid of cats, buildings will be next. Once the #1 killer is dead, bird lovers will work their way down the list until we’re all eating grubs and berries, and living in caves. No way am I giving up indoor plumbing for our feathered friends.
4. If we remove all threats to birds, will all birds be protected? Because, last time I checked, chickens and turkeys were birds, too. Just saying.

The only way to preserve life as we know it is to first save all the cats. Every last feral kitty out there. Protect the cats, or prepare to lose everything last shred of civilization you hold dear. It’s only a matter of time.

Disclaimer: I wrote the letter in an attempt to write a guest post for Jackass Letters. I do not smoke pot, and I really didn’t expect them to send me any samples. It’s no surprise, however, they didn’t respond. Since they didn’t, the letter won’t end up on Christopher’s website. I’m posting it here, because I can’t throw anything away, and it’s too good to waste.
 

I love winning. Winning is awesome. Especially in a “I fought the law and I won” kind of way.

We (by which I mean “husband”) got a speeding ticket January 26 in the “speed traps are an excellent revenue stream” town of Sheridan. Read my initial rant.

Not one to sit back and take the abuse, husband did some research. He’s awesome at research. Turns out, state regulations require all speed limit signs to be posted a minimum of 7 feet from the ground to the bottom of the sign. So, the sign, which didn’t meet regulations, could not be enforced. Win.

Furthermore, since cars were parked all along that side of the street, the “School Zone” sign wasn’t visible, and could not be enforced. Win.

Since there was no other speed limit sign on the street, the 30 mph speed limit for residential areas was the only one they could enforce. We were traveling at 31 mph, which could be explained away by possible deviations in equipment calibration. Win.

We took photos and video to prove our case, and gave them to our fabulous attorney, Geoffrey Pearson. He spoke to the DA, who refused to dismiss the case, and gave us a plea bargain of a one-point violation of a defective headlamp. Thinking that was probably our best bet, we accepted and went into court.

The traffic court judge took the plea, and ordered husband to pay $200 in fines, plus $50 in court costs. And then, totally unexpected, he said there was still an issue of a defective sign, and said if we provided proof within 120 days, he’d drop the points. When good old Geoffrey showed him the evidence husband had gathered, the judge reduced the points to ZERO. Big win.

Geoffrey said this never happens. The judge never overrules a plea bargain. After our case was over, the judge took husband’s evidence, called the bailiff (a cop) up to the bench to talk to him about the sign. I hope this means the sign gets raised, and other law-abiding people aren’t victimized by this speed trap.

The moral of the story: A little bit of research can save you a few bucks. Better in your pocket than the court’s.

When we went out to run errands on Sunday, the City of Sheridan tried (unsuccessfully) to get into our pockets one more time. They had their photo-radar van parked on a street with road construction (and no workers, because it was SUNDAY). Because they’re all about public safety. And because road construction areas are double the fine of any other street.

We’re wise to your games, Sheridan. We got you this time. You won’t get us again. Because we play to win.

This year, I sent out an April Fools email, hoping people would “get” it, and catch me in the prank. Sadly, less than 4% of my friends clicked the link, and even fewer got the joke, which ended up with me backpedaling about 100 times.

Worst April Fools Day joke, ever.

Here’s the over-the-top, pompous, self-promotional email I sent:

Anyone who’s been on the internet for any length of time would know what they’d get when they click the link. But not my trusting friends. Not the people who believe in me. The people I totally betrayed with a simple joke that they didn’t get.

I’m such a jerk.

So then, to all the people who sent congratulations without clicking the link, and all the others who responded to tell me the link went to the wrong video, and not mine, I sent another email:

LOL! Happy April 1st. You’ve been Rickrolled. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rickrolling

Nobody; not a single person replied with “Ha ha, you got me.” Obviously, I’m the most hated person in my social circle right now.

Wait just a minute… I’m not a jerk.

How big is the rock all these people have been living under ??? That Rick Astley video has over 31 MILLION views. I’m not the only one doing a bit of rickrolling. Are my friends the only people on earth who have never been rickrolled? For crying out loud, even the Mets and Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade were rickrolled. If this meme has gone on so long that things as All-American as Parades and Baseball have been rickrolled, how have these people never heard of it?

I am boggled. Absolutely boggled.

Of course, husband (Mr. Voice of Reason) said not to do the Rickroll. Naturally, I didn’t listen to him, which means he has a whole wad of “I told you so’s” he’s waiting to drop on me.

Fine.

I was making fun of Google for giving away the punch line too early in this years’ April Fools joke, and as it turns out, mine didn’t even have a punch line.

To my friends, and family, feel free to borrow my pick and shovel to get yourself out from under that rock, so you can join the rest of the world. Don’t say I never gave you anything. Besides chicken pox.

Mmmm… tea and cookies. BRB.

Christopher’s website JackassLetters.com is a total hoot. He composes strange, silly, and unexpected letters to famous people and businesses, and then posts their responses. Don’t click the link until you’ve read the letters below to get a hint of what you’re in for.

Letter to SmartyKat:

I can’t believe they didn’t write back. Since my cat loves SmartyKat and Whisker Lickin’s, I was really hoping for some answers.

To show you what a cat lover he is, he said I could share Letter #2, to Scoop Away, another product we use in our house. And, as a mom, I think his idea is bordering on brilliant. Or insanity.

Either way, enjoy:

Okay, now go to His Website. If you don’t laugh your ass off, I don’t know you at all.

Then, do this for me, and everyone who cherishes the written word: If you have 5 bucks (or more) laying around, buy yourself some good karma and send it to Christopher so he can keep me, and all his fans, in stitches.

Some people hate our weather because it’s so unpredictable. It can be 75 degrees one day, and 35 the next. We’ll have a day that’s so windy, Antie Em would be calling frantically for Dorothy, followed by a dumping of snow, and then a day of shorts and sandals. I lived far too long in the Midwest with its predictable weather; snow starts falling in September, and stays on the ground until the last of the permafrost melts in June. I’ll take the fickle weather, since it brings with it the ability to see the actual ground more days than not.

So, today, I’m out driving my VW Passat with the sunroof open, enjoying the sunshine and wind in my hair, being a big girl and resisting the urge to put my hands out the top to wave at passersby. I was feeling as sassy as a cat on a window sill, and pitied all the poor folks with solid metal over their heads. As I pulled up to the light, all smug and happy, a pretty blue Corvette convertible pulled alongside me in the next lane. The driver smiled at me with sun on his face. And I still had plenty of metal above my head.

Well played, Mr. Corvette. Well played.

DISCLAIMER: I just showed this letter to husband. He said that a crumpled piece of paper on our lawn would be the least of our worries.  Mr. “Voice of Reason” (aka: Killjoy) said it could potentially piss off a solicitor enough for them to key our car or do something else equally evil. Further evidence as to why I don’t want solicitors on my property. All that repressed anger from everyone shutting the door in their face has to come out somewhere. So, another great idea hits the trash bin. Just like my plans for renting out the dog to dig up gardens in the spring. She digs up our backyard for free. It’s about time she earns her keep.

So, on his advice, I’m not handing out the letter. If you decide to do so, you’re on your own. (Download PDF copy)

Thank you so much for disturbing me while I was doing something more interesting and important than answering my door to find you standing there, ignoring my “No Solicitors” sign. I’m guessing you either don’t know what “Soliciting” means, or think the word doesn’t apply to you. It does.

People who solicit, or engage in soliciting, are Solicitors. That’s you.

Soliciting:

To seek orders for trade, as for a business, or to ask for or offer something in exchange for something else, as in conducting surveys, witnessing, etc. If you do this, you are a Solicitor. Please take another look at the sign on the door.

Examples:

1.   You want to ask me some questions about my roof/siding/windows/paint job/gutters/address lettering/lawn, etc. You’re asking these questions with the motive of selling me roof/siding/windows/paint job/gutters/address lettering/lawn care, etc. You are Soliciting!

2.   You want to talk to me about my soul/heaven/hell/the afterlife/living well/being a world citizen, etc. You’re doing so because you want to sell me on your religion/church/synagogue/spiritual path/holy writings, etc.  This is Soliciting!

3.   You have a simple survey you’d like me complete about politics/religion/hate crimes/drugs/war/taxes, etc. You’re conducting the survey because you want to influence my opinions about politics/religion/crime in general /drugs/war/taxes, etc. That’s a Solicitation!

I hope you have found this enlightening, and that you will take this home, or back to the office, to share with your friends/spouse/family/children/boss/co-workers/pastor/life partner, etc. so all of you will reach the level of enlightenment that is achieved by not bothering people who have “No Soliciting” signs.

Please do not crumple this and throw it on my lawn, or I’ll have to explain “Littering” and “Vandalism.”

On behalf of everyone with a “No Solicitors” sign, I thank you for reading, and look forward to having you pass by my home in the future.

I do everything I can to keep spam out of my inbox. I have anti-spam resources on my server. I regularly blacklist domains that are used to send spam. I keep my private email account private. Because not everyone who has my email address can be trusted to treat it as respectfully as I do theirs, my email address ends up on spammer lists when they  “Send to all my contacts” the latest chain mail, or put my email address in the TO: field to set out a cat picture to everyone they’ve spoken to in their entire life, or they add my contact information to an online database because they get Points.

Normally, I just quietly blacklist the latest offender, but when I got the following email from Maria Bartell at NetProspex, it made me a more than a little crazy.

They want to send me emails to introduce me to special offers, industry events, or invite me to participate in customer surveys, but, “before we begin sending you emails,” they say, “I want to be certain that our emails are welcome. If you do not want to receive these types of emails in the future, click here:”

In other words, they’re going to send spam, and claim I opted in, because I didn’t opt-out. Gaaaahhhhh.

I’ve added them to my blacklist, so I won’t hear any more from them. However, I have a little message for them:

I shouldn’t have to opt-out of your spam. You should request people to opt-in. Of course, you’d do that, if you weren’t a spammer.

But, as a spammer, you don’t care what I think. Or what any of us really want.

A slow, lingering death that starts with searing pain like a hot poker in your most private parts and radiates to the ends of your toenails, as your hair falls out in fiery patches, taking with it your rotting  flesh bit by mouldering bit, until there’s nothing left but your maggot-ridden remains as you lie in a gutter, praying for the final exit as buzzards peck at your skull, and rats tear away at any damp bits left inside of you, is too good an end for spammers like you.

Should I receive another email from you, I will take it as a personal challenge to call upon all the dark forces of the earth and beyond to make your life on earth more dreadful than Hell itself.

Die, spammer, die.

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Update 03/01/11: It appears I’m not alone in my hatred of spammers. Since writing this post, I’ve discovered many other blog posts on this same theme. Here are three. Enjoy.

http://onemansblog.com/2009/05/01/i-still-hate-spammers-die-spammers-die/ – Explains why spam is such an expensive problem

http://www.soft.tahionic.com/download-die_spammer_die/anti-spam.html – Love their anti-spam tool!

http://highscalability.com/scaling-spam-eradication-using-purposeful-games-die-spammer-die

Spam is big business, and it costs all of us more money in hosting fees, management fees, and even internet connection fees because of the extreme load spam places on all servers. Spammers are the lowest of the low. They steal from us all.