Tag Archives: spam

I only need one!

I get crappy pitches from companies that want to pay me a few bucks to put crappy ads on my blog for their crappy clients. I never accept any of them because, well, they’re all crap, and could get my blog blacklisted. I’m on enough lists already, and having been 86’d from at least one bar in my lifetime, I like to be careful who I (on or off my blog) associate with.

Since they won’t leave me alone, and since sending them a photo of Wil Wheaton collating wasn’t exactly the correct response (since they actually claim they’ll pay me something), I decided a special email was just the ticket.

Hi Georgina,

I would love to reserve some space for your advertiser.

Since the site you requested is highly visible and valuable, and we’re very picky about who we let advertise with us, I’m willing to sell you space at a dollar per pixel (or character) per day, and set that up on an annual contract for you.

For example, a banner ad that is 125×125 pixels (our most popular size!) is just $15,625 per day, with one hyperlink included, absolutely free of charge.

Text ads are a real steal. For example, the average 255 word ad, at an average of 7 characters per word, run $1785 per day. Quite a savings over the image ad! Popular add-ons are larger fonts (an additional $250.00 set-up fee, and only $1 additional per pixel per character per day (PPPCPD), over the standard 10 pixel screen size) and bold (a great deal, at just $100 more per ad per day (PAPD), plus $1 per character per day (PCPD).)  Want to direct the site visitors to your
website quickly and easily? Add hyperlinks to your ad for just $150 per link per day (PLPD). Wire transfer discount applies on text ads, too!

All ads are subject to approval. The rate for review is calculated at 50% of the setup fee.

The standard setup fee for either a text or banner ad is equal to one day’s listing fee, paid in advance, with the remainder of the full contract due the day the ad goes live. If you use Wire Transfer (our preferred payment method), you’ll get a .5% discount!

We have other advertising options available. Let me know if you’d like the rates on ordering the full rate card. It comes in full-color PDF, and we offer a  .25% discount for multiple orders.

As you can see, we’re anxious to partner with you, and at these rates, you can’t lose!

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I was really hoping Georgina would take me up on my offer, because I would be SET FOR LIFE, but unfortunately, she wrote back:

Thank you for your email. I regret to inform you though that the client we had approved for your site has now fulfilled their targets. I’m sorry we can no longer go ahead with our proposal.

However, we’re close to netting a few more clients. In line with this I’ve kept your site in my own database and should there be a new client that suits your website, I’ll immediately contact you.

Also, if you or anyone you know has any other sites registered that you would like us to consider for advertisement, then please don’t hesitate to recommend them to us. I would be keen to see if they would suit one of our clients.

Thanks again for taking the time to work with us. I appreciate your efforts. Here’s hoping we could do successful business soon.

Regards,
Georgina

I could write back and define “sarcasm” for Georgina, but I think there’s still a chance one of the new clients she “nets” could be my retirement plan, so I’ll let this roll.

HOWEVER, if you know any other sites that would like to advertise here, I’ll make them the same offer. And pay you a .05% finders fee for your trouble.

Die, Spammer, Die

With the white hot fury of a thousand suns, I hate spammers with every fiber of my being.

I do everything I can to keep spam out of my inbox. I have anti-spam resources on my server. I regularly blacklist domains that are used to send spam. I keep my private email account private. Because not everyone who has my email address can be trusted to treat it as respectfully as I do theirs, my email address ends up on spammer lists when they  “Send to all my contacts” the latest chain mail, or put my email address in the TO: field to set out a cat picture to everyone they’ve spoken to in their entire life, or they add my contact information to an online database because they get Points.

Normally, I just quietly blacklist the latest offender, but when I got the following email from Maria Bartell at NetProspex, it made me a more than a little crazy.
spam

They want to send me emails to introduce me to special offers, industry events, or invite me to participate in customer surveys, but, “before we begin sending you emails,” they say, “I want to be certain that our emails are welcome. If you do not want to receive these types of emails in the future, click here:”

In other words, they’re going to send spam, and claim I opted in, because I didn’t opt-out. Gaaaahhhhh.

I’ve added them to my blacklist, so I won’t hear any more from them. However, I have a little message for them:

I shouldn’t have to opt-out of your spam. You should request people to opt-in. Of course, you’d do that, if you weren’t a spammer.

But, as a spammer, you don’t care what I think. Or what any of us really want.

A slow, lingering death that starts with searing pain like a hot poker in your most private parts and radiates to the ends of your toenails, as your hair falls out in fiery patches, taking with it your rotting  flesh bit by mouldering bit, until there’s nothing left but your maggot-ridden remains as you lie in a gutter, praying for the final exit as buzzards peck at your skull, and rats tear away at any damp bits left inside of you, is too good an end for spammers like you.

Should I receive another email from you, I will take it as a personal challenge to call upon all the dark forces of the earth and beyond to make your life on earth more dreadful than Hell itself.

Die, spammer, die.

Update 03/01/11: It appears I’m not alone in my hatred of spammers. Since writing this post, I’ve discovered many other blog posts on this same theme. Here are three. Enjoy.

http://onemansblog.com/2009/05/01/i-still-hate-spammers-die-spammers-die/ – Explains why spam is such an expensive problem

http://www.soft.tahionic.com/download-die_spammer_die/anti-spam.html – Love their anti-spam tool!

http://highscalability.com/scaling-spam-eradication-using-purposeful-games-die-spammer-die

Spam is big business, and it costs all of us more money in hosting fees, management fees, and even internet connection fees because of the extreme load spam places on all servers. Spammers are the lowest of the low. They steal from us all.

From the inbox

Got an absolutely personal message from someone needing my help. Fortunately, they’re going to make it worth my while:

Hello,

How are you doing? I am sending you this email to update you about what you will surely benefit from. I am Frank Roberts, I work for the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) which is a Nigerian http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nigeria law enforcement agency that investigates financial crimes such as advance fee fraud (419 fraud) and money laundering Financial Action Task Force on Money Laundering (FATF), which named Nigeria as one of 23 countries non-cooperative in the international community’s efforts to fight money laundering.

On 17th, December 2008, some huge amount of money worth $164,000,000.00 was seized from some foreigners who shipped in raw cash into the country, now these men are no where to be found, and the case is still pending while the money is still in our office here. I have the power and authority to cancel this case and the jurisdiction only if i can get this money box out of the vicinity or even send it abroad. but the challenge now is that i need a safe and trusted fellow who can safely keep the box. I need someone who can accustom the shipment of this package back to the United States and lodged into a safe account there.
Attached within is the picture of the said money box. I want you to get back to me with updates if i can trust you for this transaction.

I want to know how best to ship this box to you so that you can lodge the cash in a safe account till i come over to the states, before we can discuss the further procedure, because the cash cant be paid into any account from here for security purpose. Please keep this confidential, nobody must know about it.
Thanks
Do not hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible.

Regards
Frank Roberts

This is from someone who is fighting crime, so it has to be legit, right? Especially when he included pictures of the money box and all the seized cash. I’m going to write back before someone else gets this money. I’ll bet I’m at least as trustworthy as Frank. No, that didn’t sound right.

Seized US Currency
Money Box