Sunkist has a unique way of ruining things for kids. We all remember the horror of the “Raisins – nature’s candy” campaign that destroyed Halloween. Their latest ad is guaranteed to break the heart of any child looking forward to a sweet frozen treat on a hot day. Because vanilla prune popsicles will definitely make them cry. Thanks for ruining summer.
IKEA, the store where you can buy reasonably priced stuff with weird names, prides itself on selling a lot of things nobody really needs to people who just buy stuff because it’s at IKEA. To test the limits of their customers’ ability to waste money, they have just released this black globe, and many people like me wonder why. Do you write on it with markers? Maybe, but it doesn’t say so. Is it just an apocalyptic scorched-earth representation? It doesn’t say that, either.
So, we look to the copywriter for some insight, and they basically say, “Yeah, I got nothin'”.
I can’t imagine this globe relieves pain, is soothing, or calming, so they must think this “alleviates a problem without addressing the underlying cause.” The problem? Having enough cash to waste it on silly things like a black globe that is, “Nice as a table decoration, for example.”
I love the free section on Craigslist, because sometimes people give away the most amazing things. Like these lovely chairs, for example. I suppose you could sit on the edge.
Stoners, rejoice! You can now order your munchies online, and have them delivered in 2 hours. You don’t have to rely on pizza, or restaurants to deliver. Get REAL munchies with Amazon Prime Now.
Many moons ago, the only thing we could get delivered was pizza. Then Chinese restaurants joined in. Eventually, lots of places starting delivering food, but nothing really hit the spot when you were too wrecked to leave the house. Now, thanks to capitalism, stoners in Colorado can get everything they could ever crave. Funyuns, double-stuffed oreos, twizzlers, chili cheese Fritos, and chocolate milk. Ordered online, delivered right to your door. How awesome is that?
My weed-filled nights are ancient history, so I don’t need this service. For ages, we sat around and talked about how great it would be to get munchies delivered. We even dreamed up a service called, “Eight Items or Less.” With this service, the delivery person would pick up anything, up to eight items, and bring them to you for one flat fee. Why a limit of eight? I couldn’t say. The brain cell that held that knowledge has long since bit the dust. I’d like to think that someone from Amazon was sitting around the coffee table as we played quarters and discussed the pressing news of the day. If so, a small royalty would be in order. But, like most things when the bud is being passed, it’s all good.
Oh My God. Yet another food that is going to kill us. Because we’ve been doing it all wrong!
Instead of merely cooking rice, they propose we go through a multi-step process to wash away all the deadly arsenic that shows up naturally in the rice. Once the final rinse is done, a product that is pretty flavorless in the first place is guaranteed to be something no one would enjoy eating. And what about all those vitamins the rice is fortified with? They’re washed away, too, so you’re left with tiny bits of nothing that have no nutritional value. Tasty.
Practically everything a human can consume has been touted as dangerous. In fact, the perfectly lovely chocolate, which never harmed me a day in my life, is not only dangerous, but according to Stephanie Relfe B.Sc. (Sydney), in her post, The Great Dangers of Chocolate, it could keep me from ever having a loving relationship. In other words, stop eating chocolate right now, or you will die alone.
- Foods I consume that have been labeled as dangerous or deadly include:
Rice. Not so good on its own, but a great vehicle for other lovely and delicious things, like Kung Pao.
- Butter. Butter on toast, on baked potatoes, on other things that are just darned better with butter, like eggs, which could also kill me.
- Cake. Especially chocolate cake. Yummmmmmmmmmmm Chocolate.
- Pasta. Spaghetti, macaroni and cheese. With parmesan cheese on top.
- Cheese. Havarti, cheddar, mozzarella, mascarpone, brie, sliced, shredded, big hunks and perfectly square cubes.
- Pizza. Artisan pizza with lots of cheese, Red Baron, home made, stuff from the guy around the corner. Pizza is life.
- Cookies. Chewy circles and squares of goodness with chocolate chips, soft puffy clouds of vanilla, lemon bars that make my mouth water. The world would be a sad place if cookies didn’t exist.
- Potatoes. Baked and served with butter and sour cream, French fried, waffle cut, tater tots. Tots! So crispy and warm, dipped in ranch dressing or catsup.
- Chips. Have you tried Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream chips? You haven’t lived until you try them. And BBQ chips. For two years, I had BBQ chips and Diet Coke for breakfast, and I’m still alive.
- Ice cream. The food of the gods. Especially chocolate fudge with brownie bits and hot fudge sauce. With an artificially colored and enhanced cherry on top.
- Whipped cream out of a can. On the previously mentioned chocolaty goodness, and of course, straight from the nozzle into my gaping maw.
- And so much more. BRB. There’s a cookie with my name on it.
I could listen to all the people telling me how bad everything is, and die from the stress of worrying about each bite I take, or just enjoy life for the fleeting moments I get to live this time around.
We’re all going to die. It’s not as important how you die, as how you live. I choose to live a vibrant, lively, dangerous life full of bad decisions and questionable choices. That way, when I reach my final hours, I won’t lament about giving up so much in order to prolong my life, that I never lived at all.
This is a damned good cookie.